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My Birth Story

This weekend we have a full moon in Aries. Full moons shine light on stories our hearts have been holding that want to be told, as well as on what is begging to be released and let go of. Full moons are often considered points of culmination.

In particular- a full moon happening in Aries, is determined to hit on stories related to our soul's purpose. Aries is the sign of courageous expression, initiation, and independence.

Annnnd I seem to be feeling this deeply, perhaps because my sun sign is in Aries.

With this energy circulating, last week I dove fully into one of my favorite stories, one that is deeply connected to my soul purpose in this lifetime on many levels; the story of birthing my daughter, Ceanna.

The original inspiration for pulling this story into my attention was attending my stepsister's baby shower for what will be my first nephew, baby Malachi, due at the end of November. A desire to share insights about birth with my sister sent me down memory lane of one of the most magical experiences of my life to date. In the coming days I wound up giving myself full permission to fall into that hole, pull up the story in the notes section on my phone - which I had typed over several days in the quiet early postpartum window as my baby slept in my arms in our living room. 

As I read through the story to share bits with my sister, I knew I needed to share it more publicly as well. I knew this full moon was the time to do so - I've shared pieces over on Insta over the past 3 years and I've told many of my friends and family - but this is the first time the story in it's entirety is getting a forever home on my website.
In this post, I share openly about my beliefs about birth, and the good, bag, ugly, and hard moments of my own experience. I believe every woman deserves the birth she wants. I am thankful for medical advancements and systems in place to support safely birthing babies AND I believe our system still lacks widely available access to information about how you can birth unassisted, unmedicated, and empowered. I hope that by sharing my story, I help broaden and expand your understanding of what is possible in birth.

My beliefs

Our culture has a way of presenting pregnancy as a medical condition, and birthing your child as trauma to fear and medicalize. This is brought on of course by our pharmaceutical driven health care system, and then carried on by stories from moms who often didn't know there could be an alternative.

Side note: I'm curious what it would be like if instead of sharing stories of fear, mama's shared something like, "I wish I would have had the curiosity, courage, strength, wisdom, support to have a different experience, I believe you can if you want it!"

I of course have what some call a more radical view - mainly, I believe our bodies are designed to carry, birth, and nurture our babies. I believe that by leaning into our natural design, women are capable of tapping into extreme levels of strength and courage.  
 
I also believe in learning through story – so hopefully, while I would never aim to convince you to believe exactly the same as I do - my hope is by sharing my story, you are able to expand your perspective about birth, taking away only what is here for you.
 
Approaching labor, I felt anxious in anticipation of the unknown (mainly due to stories of other’s who had a less than empowered experience, that I so badly desired). 
 
Afterward, the words I would use to describe my labor are supernatural, sensual, courageous, rooted, transformative, expansive, and intimate. This is my birth story. 

This is the story of Ceanna's journey earth-side

I felt very strong and healthy throughout my pregnancy and till the very end. In the final weeks leading up to labor, I focused on eating well, practicing an embodied mindfulness (I didn’t know to call it this at the time, but I did A LOT of mindset work), and intentional physical movement. You could pretty much always find me in some type of squat position, and I maintained a regular yoga practice.  
 
I would go on long walks and have these conversations with my baby, telling her I was “with her, supported her, and believed in her and my body’s abilities”. I told her, “we can always expect greatness from the universe and that is you are, my greatness”. As I reflect on this now, with the perspective of being a mom, I ONE HUNDRED PERCENT know this was actually my baby’s spirit talking to and encouraging me, not the other way around. 

Early Labor

pictured my doula Leila + Charles baby belly mapping

Prodromal labor came on around week 37. I experienced mild, irregular contractions - at the time I wasn’t clear what they were and referred to them as “sensations”. 

I began to intuitively sense labor was near about 4 days prior to when it happened. We spent those days trying to naturally, gently induce labor: I had already been consuming loads of dates daily, but that weekend, I ate an entire pineapple, curry, and we got Hell’s Kitchen hot wings from our favorite local restaurant. 

On Saturday, May 4, I spent time resting and calming any anxious energy. I wrote a letter to my baby, sharing how excited we all were to meet her soon, and that I would support her, no matter the timing or method of birth, but I felt ready and was really hoping for a natural birth center water birth. 
 
I lost my mucus plug that evening. I sent my doula a picture of it (gross, sorry, Leila!) and she confirmed it looked like my mucus plug and reminded me while this was a good sign, labor could still be days away. She urged me to rest and take care of myself.  

Trust Your Intuition

May 5th, Sunday morning the prodromal contractions were still mild, but closer together. Charles and I woke up early to go grocery shopping. When we got home, we took our German Shepherd for a walk, and I did some squats every half mile or so. Then he worked in the yard while I did some light house cleaning. Around 11, I became aware of a constant sharp pain in my lower back, just above my left hip; it felt like a strain from heavy-lifting. I tried some stretches and massage with little relief, and I began to wonder if it could be a labor sign or related to baby’s positioning. By noon, we decided to call Leila and my mom. 
 
My mom was very excited and she too said she intuitively felt it would be that weekend, she said to let her know as soon as we wanted her to come over. Leila told me I had been on her mind, and there were storms brewing that weekend, which she explained some studies show changes in pressure may induce labor. She arrived at my house and we chatted about the back pain. We did a few spinning babies movements, and she rubbed my back while I laid in child’s pose. We also made postpartum pad-cicles and she tried to keep me distracted and busy. She said she believed labor could be close and suggested I eat a good meal, shower, and rest up, and to let her know when to come back over. 
Charles grilled us bunless burgers, with fried eggs, salad, and baked potato, while I prepared a family favorite dish for later in the week. I bounced and did hip circles on the birthing ball while we ate, and then took a long warm shower.

I remember while the water ran over me, I stood there reflecting on how great my pregnancy had been and how excited I was to meet my baby. Physically, I wasn’t convinced I was in labor – although my body was working, it wasn’t as dramatic or stressful as I’d imagined - but in my soul I knew this was it. When I got out of the shower, Charles rubbed my back and then rubbed clary sage essential oil on my feet and calves – which has been researched to help progress labor.

Active Labor

Not long after the foot rub, I found myself laying in bed, Charles holding me, my back to his chest, as the contractions began to roll in and intensify. I no longer wanted to talk through them. Charles held me tight and whispered “I love you” and “I’m with you” in my ear. He texted Leila an update, and she called and said she was on her way back over. Leila could tell by my breathing on the phone that these were early active labor contractions.

She and my mom both arrived shortly after. Just as we'd planned, they turned my bedroom into a mystical labor space with candles and soft meditative type music and my handwritten birthing mantras strung together on my wall. I began to surrender into the contractions, doing hip circles on my birthing ball, leaned over the edge of my bed, with Charles rubbing my back and repeating my birth mantras aloud to me.

At first, I would shy away from the contractions and try to avoid the sensation, but Leila encouraged me to 'make the contractions more intense' and make them last longer to help bring baby down. I now know, as Oliver Burkeman shares in Four Thousand Weeks, this is true for most difficulties life has to offer, the more we actually allow ourselves to experience the full sensation versus trying to avoid or distract from it, the easier it becomes.

She showed Charles how to squeeze my hips together to support me through them. In between contractions, we all laughed, and danced and moved around. Everyone was super supportive to my needs, keeping me hydrated, feeding me fresh fruit, and keeping my mind positive. 
We tried some contractions in a squat position while I hung onto my roboozo draped around Charles’ body. The squat position really intensified the contractions. I remember sitting on the toilet through two contractions and feeling like my guts were literally falling out. These contractions were so intense and the only ones I’d really consider ‘painful’. I came off the toilet and couldn’t stand, I moved onto my hands and knees and noticed I was trembling. I told Leila and my mom that I did not know how I was going to be able to continue like this in the car ride to the birth center. I observed my whole body trembling uncontrollably and I asked them if they could see it, too. At this point Leila called the on-call midwife and together we decided to start our journey to the birth center. 

Traveling to the Birth Center

I became somewhat frustrated at the thought of the drive, but everyone was incredibly encouraging to me. I would say “I can’t do this”, and they all patiently responded, “yes you can, you are already doing it”. On the car ride, I sat shotgun and rolled down my window, squeezed Charles hand and the oh shit handle like crazy. The song “Sail Away with Me” by Sister Hazel came on from my playlist and I asked Charles to put it on repeat and blast the volume. The contractions rolled over me, one right after the other. I focused on just getting through, I told myself over and over we were going to make it to the center and we were going to meet our baby. 
 
We arrived before the midwife, but Leila had a key and got us in. Her and my mom set everything up to make the room another mystical birthing space similar to my bedroom with the lighting, music, and birth mantras, and started the water in the birthing tub. While they prepared the room, I wound up on hands and knees in the bathroom on a small rug. Charles stayed with me and continued to rub my back and shoulders and repeat my birth mantras and tell me he was “with me”. 
Quick side note: I highly recommend having birth mantras or things written out for your partner to say to you. Remember, they are going to be scared and feel helpless as well. Charles was my rock through the whole thing. Some of my birth mantras he repeated to me included: 
-       Embrace the suck
-       Kick ass, stay present
-       Get on top of it, stay with it
-       Soften, Open, Release
I remember sitting on hands and knees in that bathroom for what felt like forever, but was maybe 20 minutes. I felt urges to push but I didn’t want to have my baby there on the floor, I so badly wanted to be in the tub. I willed my body to not progress too quickly but also not to regress. I wanted to hold on so I could get in that tub. 
 
When the midwife, Diane, arrived, she requested I get on the bed so she could check me. I didn’t think I could move, but she assured me it would be quick, and I could lay in whatever position I felt comfortable. I did not verbalize this but in that moment, I recall making a mental agreement with my body and my baby that no matter what, if the midwife gave me a specific instruction it must be important, and I would follow any and all specific instructions. It was so helpful to know I could trust whatever she was requesting of me. I literally remember amping myself up to get on the bed and silently telling myself the words “do not bitch out, you are here, this is it, this is now, suck it up!” 
I didn’t want to know how dilated I was, so Diane didn’t say it out loud, but I later learned she mouthed to everyone else that I was at nearly 9 cm and 100% effaced. She told me if I wanted to birth in the tub, now was the time. 

Water Birth

They helped me to get into the tub and I instantly felt in my space, nothing else mattered. I requested they keep it totally dark in the room and minimal talking. I closed my eyes and moaned through contractions as they came one right after the other. I began to experiment with pushing, I still didn’t know if I was dilated enough or if it was time, but it felt right to try little pushes through the contractions. I had cold rags on my forehead and Charles rubbed my back and continued to speak my birth mantras, and told me “I’m with you” after each contraction. I so badly wanted a rest, but there was no time for that, contractions were coming one on top of the next. Leila got close to my face and said, “your baby is so close, do you want to know how close? you’re at a 9!” I felt encouraged by this and moved about in the tub finding comfortable positions.

 It didn’t take long for me to find my rhythm, this felt like the part I'd been training for. I felt my whole body and soul open up wider than it ever had before. I felt so alive and primal and expansive. I surrendered and let my body do her thing, flowing through, there was no thinking, I let go and let my body take over. 

the sweetness of life flows through me”

Was my favorite mantra, and I think Charles loved this one too because I heard him say it most. It felt so true in that moment, I was one with life. 

Ring of Fire

I wound up with my back to the rest of the room, facing a corner, leaning my head on the edge of the tub, gripping rags in each of my hands. I screamed out “it burns so bad” and Leila said, “I know, that is the ring of Fire we talked about, your baby is coming out, big pushes, deep sounds!” I tried to rest as best I could through one more contraction to catch my breath, and then on the next one I pushed with so much strength and roared as deeply as I could. 
 
When Ceanna‘s head first started to emerge, the midwife Diane noticed her little arm up by her face. She insisted I flip over so she could adjust her, to minimize ripping. Of course she didn’t tell me why, she just told me I needed to turn over and that it was important. I didn’t want to flip over but I recalled my agreement to do whatever specific instruction was given to me by Diane, so I forced myself to do it. 

Are you ready to meet your baby?

I moaned as I turned over and in that brief moment, I felt so discouraged almost defeated. In later reflection on this, I realized that during labor, as we allow our bodies to take over, following instructions becomes more difficult. This is why the literature suggests to keep instructions specific and to the point. But even still, you have to be so intentional about listening and following instructions, you really have to trust your team. 
 
What felt like seconds after turning over, Diane asked me if I wanted to feel my baby’s head. I was in shock and disbelief of what she asked, since I was sure something was wrong by me having to turn over. Everyone in the room had to encourage me to go for it, and tell me “your baby is here, reach down and touch her head!” So I reached down with my left hand, and I felt her head, full of hair, swaying in the water, it was the softest thing I have ever felt. I cried out in joy and felt time stand still. 
From there it was easy, I pushed one more time and the rest of her body slithered out all at once. It was a feeling of instant relief all over my body. I felt a rush of endorphins as though I had literally just completed and won a marathon. Diane scooped our baby out of the water, handed her to Charles, and Charles announced “it’s a girl! We have a girl”, as he placed her tiny body directly on my chest! I stared at him with so much love rushing between our three souls. In that moment, everyone else in the room was quiet, and to me, it was just us there, and I felt totally connected to my daughter and my husband. We heard her cry and knew she was so healthy and strong! It was absolutely the most perfect moment in my memory, and I will hold it there forever, locked deep in my heart. Charles announced the time, 12:12AM and her gender and name, Ceanna Lovie. 
Diane and Kristen, the birth assistant, helped me up out of the water, while I held Ceanna close to my chest. They helped me carry her over to the bed. This part all becomes quite blurry for me. I felt exhausted and overwhelmed with excitement. My adrenaline was pumping like crazy and I was trembling.
 
When the umbilical cord stopped pulsating, Charles cut it with Diane’s assistance. I was given a quick shot of Pitocin in my leg to help deliver the placenta. Charles held the baby as I pushed on hands and knees to get the placenta out. I am not going to sugar coat this, delivering the placenta was super uncomfortable and frustrating, but it didn’t take long. 

The first Latch

I had researched and planned ahead of time to allow Ceanna to nurse naturally. She laid on my chest and we gently guided her head over to my breast and she crawled her way over and located my nipple and latched on. It was so breathtakingly natural and easy for her, she knew just what to do and seemed to crave the milk. She appeared immediately soothed by the nipple in her mouth. Read more on our full breastfeeding journey here.
 
This whole time I was still shaking and filled with adrenaline. Charles gave me bone broth and yogurt. Later, Leila made Charles and I both a delicious breakfast of eggs, bacon, berries, and waffles. That was one of the best tasting waffles I’ve ever had! We all three napped and laid in the bed together. And my mom would later run out and get us a second breakfast – breakfast sandwiches and donuts.

Preparing to go home

We stayed at the birth center for about 9 more hours as I rested, worked on calming down my nervous system, and my body began the healing process. I lost quite a bit of blood, and felt faint anytime I would get out of bed. I had trouble going to the restroom, and passed out once on the floor, but everyone was right on top of it and took care of me. Diane decided to give me an IV to restore fluids, which helped immediately.

Even in these afterbirth moments of my body recuperating, I felt like an Olympic Gold medalist in that room. I felt grateful and proud of my body. They say, "there is no award for having a natural labor", this is false. No one can ever take that experience away from you, and if you want it, there is no greater prize than holding your baby in that state.
 
We left for home around 10am and spent the rest of the day loving on our sweet Ceanna. I was so happy to be home and finally felt able to relax. It was the best day of my life, and I was in complete awe of my beautiful and perfect daughter, how amazing my body had worked in labor, and how complete I felt with my family.  

TLDR

I am very grateful to have had the water birth, birth center, experience I dreamed of and am amazed by the human body from this experience. My labor was fast and intense, magical, transformative, and expansive.

More of a movie person?

Check out the video

Let me be clear: this video is raw and unfiltered, it was an important part of my preparation to watch other birth videos, read stories, etc so I wanted to make this available here to hopefully encourage other women desiring a physiological birth.

Additional Thoughts

for anyone who is desiring a natural birth:

  • I strongly encourage mind-body work in preparing for labor. It doesn’t have to be painful or traumatic, but it will be challenging. Connect with some of your more challenging physical memories – any endurance training you’ve done in the past is very helpful here. If you have ever trained for some type of event like a marathon, or completed a grueling workout, you know that pain in your body that is for a purpose – contractions and the sensations of labor get to be the same way – it is all for a purpose! 
  • If having a natural birth is important to you, spend as much time as you can envisioning yourself at that finish line, holding your baby, both of you unmedicated and fully present, try and feel the joy you imagine that will bring for you. 
  • I strongly encourage nourishing yourself well and hydrating, leading up to, and as much as possible during labor
  • I strongly encourage lots of hip openers and holding deep squats in pregnancy
  • Have so many conversations with your partner and anyone else who will be in the birthing room to make sure everyone fully understands your desires and beliefs about birth. You can absolutely do this, and your support team will make all the difference.
  • Do your research ahead of time and understand the process for yourself

Resources

More to come!

Research:
Home - Evidence Based Birth®

Favorite Related Books: