We Bee-long together (an invitation into the wild frontier of parenting in the vulnerability of the nighttime)

On this Earth Day, I’m celebrating and honoring what it is to be an Earth dweller for me in this season. Earlier this month, I  shared all about the joyful time we spend outdoors. But this share is about another very natural corner of life lately.

One year of sleeping snuggled between my two favorite men … well favorite man and favorite mini 😆

One year of cuddles. One year of long nights. One year of Velcro. One year of building shoulder strength. One year of breastfeeding on demand. One year of tears. One year of growing and developing. One year of giggles. One year of mid night playtime. One year of midnight comforting and soothing and dancing. One year of developing a secret language and learning one another’s deepest edges.

Co-sleeping or family bed sharing is an invitation into the wild frontier of parenting through the vulnerability of the night. Stretching your own limits and boundaries, to make space to meet your baby at theirs.

I’m not going to pretend to be an expert on this topic; and almost didn’t share this at all, but it feels important and relevant and my hope is some may find it supportive to hear a peak into someone else’s night time world. Because I know the silent, lonely struggle firsthand. When it seems as though the rest of the world is peacefully sleeping, and it’s just you and your baby awake in the night - but it’s not. You are connected to millions of other mothers, singing their babies gently down the stream into rest.

Let's be real here, we stress about baby sleep for three main reasons, 1) we want to get it right because research shows sleep is vital for sustaining life and the state in which our bodies grow and develop and repair AND 2) we intuitively know that the darkness is a vulnerable, often considered scary space, especially for our little ones AND 3) we ourselves are exhausted when caring for littles and we just want our sacred sleep as well.

This is why it’s one of the first things people will ask new parents, “how is baby sleeping?” As if his or her ability to sleep and further, their respect of YOUR sleep, somehow indicates their goodness.

Side bar: WHY do we ask moms how their babies are sleeping instead of literally 100 other questions. Next time you see a mom with a small baby, try asking how her baby plays? How does her baby show affection? How does her baby show joy? What is the silliest thing her baby has done lately? Or perhaps you want to ask how SHE is doing? What is giving her life in this season? What is keeping her going? What is she loving to eat to make up for those shared calories? There’s so much more to connect over rather than sleep!

Here’s the deal: we have endless access to information on nap schedules, wake windows, bedtime drama solutions, etc. And to be honest, these quick tidbits tickle my very masculine type A left side brain. I can check boxes like a boss ... Only my kids have proven they’d rather not. And it does make me question, is any of this rooted in science of how our body’s are designed or is it all dogma?

While, I know a version of healthy, gentle sleep training exists and works wonders for many. (I have several friends who swear by a process that set up their little ones with beautiful sleep foundations from very early on.) I have personally found that trying to force timelines and manage sleep environment and stay on top of rules, while listening to my baby fight it, goes against every cell in my being.

And that doesn’t mean that I’ve failed, or don’t get it, or I’m too emotional, or need to feel guilty on any level.

Despite the amount of content and culture pushing sleep training and touting it as the ideal or seemingly only valid option, it’s not... In fact, my baby's sensitivity to their support needs, and his connection to his own sleep drive, has nothing to do with me, other than the genes I’ve passed on to my children of certain biological expectations for comfort in order to transition into rest.

As Brittany puts it, in the process of trying to train babies like dogs, we’ve lost sight of our nature, and “we’ve pathologized the most beautiful birthright: to hold and be held.”

Because we simply aren’t all wired the same. Recall that we are all unique. God designed us each with our own little strengths, areas for growth in this life, and slightly varying set of needs. Some babies will roll over or crawl or talk before others. Kids learn their A,B,C’s at different ages. And some babies require more support for restful sleep. It’s genetic and quite frankly beyond our control. This recent perspective felt like a light switch for me to relax into, and I hope it does for you, if you, too, feel like the sleep train just ain’t training.

All babies are born with a survival instinctual expectation of being held and supported, to feel just as secure as they did inside the womb. Born without a developed hippocampus to turn off stress; they rely on mama to co-regulate. Born with reflexes to communicate their contentment, joy, and needs via noises and body postures. and thank goodness for this! That’s why they don’t just sleep independently right away and require what we’ve come to know as sleep “training”. Or do they?

Likewise, through the portal of becoming a mama, we turn on gene expressions that make us the most aligned nurturer for our babies. We get to choose to expand and develop into our capacity to nurture. As Hannah writes so beautifully, our brain literally changes to match our babies needs.

I’ve been learning all about regenerative agriculture and food forests - and the main premise is, you can work and try as hard as you might with conventional gardening techniques and schedules to get basic veggies to grow, but your garden will likely still wither … or you can lean into your environment and how nature intended us to grow as an ecosystem together and find much greater abundance.

So let me ask you, how did nature intend us to thrive? Do humans really require training to sleep, or is it possible, it’s more nuanced than that and we'll develop in this skill overtime just as we do with other behaviors?

Just as I’ve realized with unschooling, that my daughter’s preference is more flexibility and freedom and to learn at her own pace (a topic for another day) .. I’ve also come to accept after 6 years of being a mom, that you really cannot force a kid to sleep.

After my daughter was born, I went back to work, so we stuck to the daycare nap schedule as best we could. And we followed recommendations to keep her in her bedroom, again as best we could, though she often found her way back in our room. But trust me, she never napped long stretches, or slept super well independently. I struggled deeply with feeling like I was failing at both providing her the love and support she desired from me, and also failing at teaching her to sleep independently. Yes we could have forced the issue as she got older and made her to sleep in her own room, but where would that have left her emotional development? Jump forward to now, we’ve all settled into contentment of her sleeping on our bedroom floor, where she’ll stay until she’s ready for a change.

Taken by my friend and photographer Sierra Jones, during active labor as my daughter felt safe to sleep right there beside us

By my daughter teaching us, my son was blessed to receive parents that chose differently a lot quicker. When Kenny arrived, after a little over a month at home recovering, my husband and I made the decision to avoid the stress of it in the first place. We decided that we weren’t stripping the previously mentioned freedom away from my daughter and I’s lives to join in on all the things our homeschool community gets into, and therefore Kenny would be along for the ride and made to nap on me, in his wagon, car seat, or directly on a blanket on the earth while his sister and friends play all around him. I’ve of course had my moments of grief or mom guilt that he doesn’t get “normal” baby naps, but when I get out of my own head and observe him - he’s thriving and knows no different.

Around 5 months old, we played with a gentle sleep training method for bedtime for one week, but he made it clear he’d just plain rather be close to me. I’m so glad he felt comfortable to communicate this. That's when I decided to revisit my own intuition, values, and seek out wisdom I could find on keeping our babies close.

I got curious. I noticed we both slept more peacefully [together]. He’s the happiest little guy you’ll ever meet, healthy, and growing in the upper 90 percentiles in every measure. Could it be that he's manipulating me? My heart says no. He is pure love and it’s clear to me he is pure-intentioned, always. When he’s “fighting sleep”, I get to choose the stories I tell myself. What if it’s not manipulation, but that he is expressing discomfort and trusting me to support him. Ultimately, I’ve decided it’s more peaceful for everyone to cuddle him and meet him where he’s at, then for me to make us all sick trying to get him to master independent sleep sooner than he’s ready.

Afterall, I enjoy connection and touch and cuddles from my husband as I drift off to sleep, why should I expect my baby to not also crave this?

If you’re in the throws of sleep battles, I want you to know you are not alone. I encourage you to take the time to investigate your own beliefs against any dogma you're consuming. I also of course highly recomend (before jumping into co-sleeping) reviewing available resources and setting up safety measures. If you have no clue where to begin on checking in with your intuition on this topic, or any other parenting related topic, I'd be so happy to have a chat with you on what that that can look like. Before you read another how-to-get-your-baby-to-sleep guide ... check in with your own mama inner knowing.

I love how Jean Liedloff puts it in her book, the Continuum Concept: "I would be ashamed to admit to the Indians that, where I come from, the women do not feel themselves capable of raising children until they read the instructions written in a book by a strange man." This beautifully written book inspires me to parent in a way that aligns with our primal design, to embrace each baby as well-intentioned, pure light and love-filled beings, that are worthy of receiving their biolgically rooted needs, including the need to be held.

Neuroscientist Greer Kirshenbuam, who studies infant brains, writes in her book The Nurture Revolution, “wanting to be close and held is what your baby’s survival biology needs in order to be regulated. Separation from caregivers is a threat to a baby’s survival and activates their brain circuitry to cry or cling.” Throughout her book she presents loads of science backing up tending to your baby’s calls for support, outlining the need for what she calls “bathing your baby’s brain in nurturing”. She highlights that receiving consistent, reliable nurture builds their tiny brains, shapes their stress response, and influences the nervous system, immune system, and so many other layers.

At the end of the day, I feel encouraged to know that while my baby may be considered by today's 'experts' as “needy” to put to sleep right now, difficult on any babysitter, challenging to schedule around, clingy, and for sure a mamas boy … we’re playing the long game. This mama's boy is being raised as a man who will see life as a giving experience, one where he trusts he can count on others, and feels safe and secure and connected and confident in his ability to communicate and have his needs met, and therefore is able to give more freely, and believes that happiness is a birthright, both for himself and for all humans.

I couldn’t do this alone. I’m beyond grateful for my husband’s partnership and leadership in aligning to this philosophy and decision for us, he’s been my rock on nights when I’m sleep deprived, and he has over time become an added caretaker my baby trusts and will settle for. I absolutely couldn’t do this alone and still find myself questioning it when exhaustion and my own ego hit, but we're a team and he reminds me of our roots.

I’m not here to argue and again I’m no expert, and I do know some families and individuals really require space to sleep, and can’t handle the sensation of being touched out, or anxiety about baby in bed, but if it’s calling to you … you can navigate these factors, knowing it’s a short time. And maybe you’ll find beauty in keeping baby close, where all mammals sleep, where all of our ancestors until the last few decades would have found rest amidst the darkness.

If sleep training is working for you and your kid, carry on, you do you. But if it’s a battle, I encourage you to consider surrendering.

The happy bonus: once you let go of obsessing about your baby’s sleep, and instead embrace nurture, is that you, the mama, get to receive all the juicy benefits of the cascade of hormones released, too. You get to settle in to their little cuddles and love, you get to relax with the scent of your baby and feel their skin, and delight in the melody of their cute little noises all night. You can choose to bask in the goodness of sharing the vulnerable darkness together instead of battling the nighttime pressure or guilt. And you’re allowed to have both emotions of enjoying it and also longing for your space back. After all, it won’t be like this forever. And as my baby begins to sleep longer stretches, I already feel a bit of nostalgia for this sacred shared time. Because as Amy writes, motherhood is a lifelong journey of letting go, each stage of child’s growth is a farewell to the previous.

I love this, I read somewhere: the downside is you’ll be spending more time trapped in bed cuddling your baby, the positive side is, you’ll be trapped in bed cuddling your baby.

So to normalize different experiences, here is our situation: at one year old, my baby sleeps varying hours throughout the night. Some nights he can hit a fairly long stretch, and some nights he needs more touch from me, and some nights he wants to nurse off and on. All of these are part of our normal. Kenny will occasionally take a solid 2+ hour nap in our bed (after I rock and nurse him to sleep of course). And I like to prioritize getting this in a handful of times each week to optimize time for growth, recovery, and development (which all happens while we sleep). And especially if I know he’s having a growth spurt, teething, or battling some bug. But if it doesn't happen, I don't stress. Most days he gets one nap in the bed, and one nap out. Sometimes they're both on the go.

I'll end this with two more quotes:

When you feel challenged by nurture, this is why: You are doing tremendous work building a brain, the most complex thing in existence besides perhaps the universe. You are building countless brain cells and receptors in your baby's brain with your brain. This is intense, deep work and something to truly be proud of and celebrate. ~ Greer Kirshenbaum

"it's perfectly clear that the millions of babies, who are crying at this very moment, want unanimously to be next to a live body. Do you really think they're all wrong? Theirs is the voice of nature. This is the clear, pure voice of nature, without intellectual interference." - Jean LiedloffTitle